Aeeeeiooooo !!!!

Right after college with a lot of time to spare, I found myself getting a membership to British Council…The pretext and intent was to browse for grad school info, SOP tips, resume tips and also have some step-out-of-home time.. I would come down there every day, hang in till around lunch and then get back home….Not completely sure of what my purpose was but to kill time…That’s where I met M……M brought her 5 yr old son Vinay every day and studied while he got busy with his books. A cute little child with a wink and a naughty smile ....his little eyes spoke for themselves, he was a handful. As adorable as I found him, I now understand why M was so exasperated. Being a mom is always different. Vinu’s company was the most welcome distraction for me and M was always more than relieved to see me. So it worked both ways. My British Council visits increased for no technical reason whatsoever. I just enjoyed being there. It was a bubble to escape into, distract me from what’s ahead in my own life and my own little confusions….

A month of these library trysts later, Vinay and I are busy picking the next story book to read...when suddenly Vinay says “I love you”…My jaw drops and I am looking at the cutest being ever that has said that to me …and he smiled and continued with his books....so matter of fact like nothing just happened :)!! Guys..i tell u…even these tiny ones have no idea of how they let ur heart flutter :)…M’s parents came to Chennai to help her out in the next few months, her British council visits stopped…and I lost interest in going to the library myself…

It’s been several years …I email M once in a while and she has managed to set herself on a great career……and Vinu has forgotten me and moved on to the real things in life …And I miss those times….those library visits.. :D!....But isn’t that life !!

The last couple of weeks have been pensive, thoughtful and difficult for several reasons…The one person I can call anytime and bother has also been busy with his studies….and I have busied myself with sketching…..to escape into a bubble again…

Then on Monday, my nanny called in sick and I had a super active toddler with a cold, lots of work to finish and not the best of spirits to handle. One at a time …one at a time …I tell myself as I finish work, chase him down for each meal, put him to sleep, reply to emails, finish the action items….and I felt overwhelmed…

Towards late evening he was tired, I was tired …All the skype calls for the day were over…We settle in quietly and talking tom gives us company…One thing leads to another and Abhi and I are on a giggle train…I am hugging him, swinging him, kissing him ..and I said “I love uuuuu”…and we chase each other around the couch for the next 5 minutes. Then suddenly Abhi is looking at me with his sweet few toothed grin and says…”Aeeeeiooooo”…It was the most beautiful moment….Most endearing…

My lil son just told me his first “I love you”…i think :) ..Dear dear crazy world, I am ready for you again!!

Somewhere over the rainbow…..

It sucks !!...Two people very dear to me are going through troubled times and much as I want to help them, there’s nothing I can do but offer a shoulder to lean on and promise to listen. I wish God shows them brighter days soon! Their circle of life seems just stuck at one point for too long…. :(…

And when you are down in dumps that you can’t do anything about, there is not much faith or positive energy you can summon. Your belief system breaks down into cynicism and frustration. And there is a question “Why?” that howers around.

I have no answers, but I still believe that things will be OK, even when u strain your eyes to look for that silver lining and seem to find none. I don’t believe in miracles, but I believe things have a way of happening that you can’t explain at the moment, but seem to fit in a bigger picture that we see much later.

In prayer….

Memories of an Angel...

An angel left to become a star
Memories are all that are left behind..
Yet, while away you watch me on ..
So when i am in darkness, be a guiding light.

Every sweetness you embodied, ever so warm
In my every laugh and cry you joined..
With the wisdom of a teacher,with love of a friend
Every fault you did forgive, every kindness did remind.

You spread ur wings to cover us all...
You brought hearts together, that were distant to bind
Amidst any sadness, a happiness u did find
A heart far bigger than ur home, u always had..

A silver lining you always sought
Ushered beauty into life with an income so few
Cheer and smiles you had always brought
Despite much in life u had been through

I saw u sit and watch me become a bride.
Frail, weak and weary u had become
U watched me with all happiness and pride
Your legacy of strength, I shall hope to carry

Much was different from what you had prayed..
But full of hope and faith, u still stayed..
The sun had set, and will not rise tomorrow...
I look at the skies, and know u shall prevail..

I knew that this day would be seen
Yet bitter is the pill to swallow.
I have your memories to cherish and keep
Dearest paati, will always love u...

150 Things to Do Before You Turn Thirty

My friend tagged me on this list. And though I guess this list was tailored for an american lifestyle, was glad that I had done a couple of things :)… Have 7 more months and a long way to go…

The rules are:
The things you have already done - make them bold.
Blue is for things that you are dying to do!

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theatre
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on a television news program as an “expert”
83. Gotten flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Passed out cold
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open – not exactly, but almost :)
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a TV game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

You have got mail ....

I hate checking my mails...not my emails...by now I have an addiction towards email that I check them every couple min..faster than they come in usually. I am talking about snail mails. B somehow dropped the habit of picking up the mail every weekend strangely synchronized with the fact that I was selecting our rental movie DVDs these days…

Anyhow, I pull out the innumerous grocery coupons, tire change and killer deal insurance options, all the 'to the resident' and 'to our neighbors' copy of grocery coupons and dating services (why do my neighbors love me so much) all stuffed into the narrow box, hoping that my blockbuster DVD isnt crushed and cracked in all this pressure, and tossed most of them out into the bin. Glad that I was done with this ordeal, I plop the remaining mail on the coffee table where it will rest till the next mail comes in and eventually get stowed away into my closet, when I am expecting visitors and finally die its death in my shredder unopened. If one of them were to come alive and write a tale of their life, it would be pretty sad....Anyhow, while I am mindlessly gazing at the TV watching around 4 shows at the same time , I chance to spot a handwritten name...my name ..on a letter...

Its been ages since I got a letter that was not a bill or statement or a credit card offer or a fine… on my name.

Well, it could be my dentist, he always sends these nice cards every season wishing you for the season and reminding you to come by and take care of his business and your teeth....But no, it was a letter, and from an old friend...who obviously didnt know how I treat my snail mail. Super excited and thrilled I pulled out the 2 sheets of the impeccably written letter.

It was refreshing that I dint have to re-read thru a bunch of acronyms and go ‘ahh-haan...now I get it’..She had used more or less complete sentences. It felt very nice that someone had sat down and taken the trouble of writing this long letter. Considering that my entire communication system had degenerated into one line emails, chat, orkut and facebook messages, this was eye opening into my own self. As a kid, I used to make my own cards...well partially bcos I couldnt afford to buy many cards on my pocket money, partially because I liked to do something different. Also, I believed I wanted to spend more time on a gift and hence I would end up stalking my best friends with hand made cards till they told me how much they liked it or if I liked them way too much I would give them hand made sketches and portraits I drew off magazine covers and rag them to hell as to who it looked like.

S used to write me letters through undergrad days, and that used to be great. He was pbly the only friend I have who has managed to hold on to everyone he knows even when email wasn’t around..So my letter writing days continued into undergrad years, thanks to him. Then with the access to email, everything died. With email, it has become a way of convenience to express our constant sense of urgency. I phased out from an e-card splurge to express myself (or rather the card’s own words) in college years to simple notes these days.
In all my enthusiasm, little knowing how linguistically dysfuntional I had become, I started to write a letter back.....and realized y I shouldnt be doing that ...

1) My handwriting used to look quite good during school days though you had to tilt your head through like 45 degrees and squint your eyes a bit for it to make sense, it used to fall under gravity...but very symmetrically so, and now its reduced to some drunk chicken scrawling. I couldn’t read my grocery list.

2) I also like to write as I speak...meaning I get verbose and get lost in my own tangled web of words. Not to mention the very unsettling fact that whenever I wrote long emails, I got the shortest of replies !!

3) My grammar is bad (honestly who cares about grammar or punctuation in emails anymore?)...And I have started using a "?" as a sole punctuation to differentiate between statements and questions apart from my inexplicable love for exclamations and extra period marks. I strongly suspect my inability to bring a statement to a logical conclusion to be the reason for leaving them in such suspension.

4) For some reason the apartment outbox is right over trash fueling my apprehensions that some of the mail will drop into the trash can unnoticed. So I never posted anything from there. Which later went down to ‘I never posted anything at all?’

5) I am bad at posting stuff. I finally paid up my copay at the hospital after 6 months, purely out of embarrassment that the only mail I was getting was a reminder from them.

6) They keep adding these 2c to the postage charge and I keep looking for those additional stamps.

7) I will convince myself that I am doing my part saving trees

8) Most of all ...I am lazy and at a total loss for words.

I opened my email, typed out a nice email with a lot of emoticons to help assemble my thought and sent it out...Better electronic than never.

Good things in strange packages

I watched this movie ‘Luck By Chance’ over the weekend…About a bunch of new actors waiting for their big break trying to spin the wheels of fate to their favor. The protagonist of the movie says - Success and failure are what you decide for urself. Its a matter of perception.
The way we play the cards that are dealt lets us see the situation in a different light…
I have been having a tough couple of weeks, mostly due to work. I have been looking for some changes for quite some time now and i just dont seem to be catchin up with lady luck. I have been feeling so stressed that i am not where i want to be.

Then my friend reminded me - Good things can come in strange packages. Just because it doesnt look right, doesnt mean its wrong.

I like to complain once in awhile. But at the end of it i think I am an incredibly lucky person. Blessed with friends who last a lifetime. Had my share of rough rides and tears through it, but have had some pleasant surprises around the corner. And things have come in for me when i least expect them and sometimes in the form i least expect them to take.
And now everytime i hold the oars and try to battle the tide, I should tell myself to let go. For the tide will turn around and float that strange little package towards me with something i love.

Each day comes bearing its own gifts. Untie the ribbons. ~Ruth Ann Schabacker

Remember When

January means overhauling and cleaning for me...I like to make a fresh start every new year...I always did it, as a kid, in undergrad and grad school days and now....It also means digging into some nostalgia ..looking into a box of keepsakes stowed away in the closet

Isn't it amazing the amount of value sentiment adds to something. I was looking at the cassette a dear friend gifted me for my birthday in my undergrad. It doesn't play now, I have pbly played it a zillion times to wear it out. I glanced at it while i recounted each memory that went with it. I dusted it and put it back where it was - in my treasure trove where I also found my first perfume bottle which Appa had got for me . Its an old small empty perfume bottle - one of those tiny hankie perfume sets. Different smells bring back memories of different periods and its uncanny that the brain has the capacity to relate to these and open up the floodgates of memories - a canvass of colors.

A cassette - Sixty Rupees

A perfume bottle - Thirty Rupees

The memories they bring - Priceless..

There are some things money cant buy...

Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things. ~Pierce Harris, Atlanta Journal