Lost and Found!

Are there things you lose and find only to lose them when u need them most again. You see it all the time and just when u want it, it has magically walked out. I agree that u feel curious about my ‘old age concerns’ right now. But no, I am not yet that old and have no signs of amnesia temporary or permanent. Let’s just say I am a little jinxed.

I have been losing a lot of things lately….That I have a super active toddler at home is purely a coincidence!

For a week straight, I couldn’t find my office badge and in the process of getting a temp badge every day, I got to know my office security much better. As our ‘friendship grew’ ….You should just request for a new one he advised gently. ‘No, I am sure it’s in my house. I just need to find it over the weekend’…I replied …I did find it over the weekend very carefully sandwiched between the old car seat and its base into a groove where something a hairline thicker couldn’t have fit. Nevertheless I found it. The next week it was the phone. Mid-week I stopped even searching. I knew it was too safely stowed away to be found. Then I found it switched off and stuffed into a lil sock and buried into a bin of towels with utmost care. I also found that the Donald soft toy had two of the hair clips I had been searching clamped to his beak. When I have visitors at home, I have strongly started encouraging treasure hunt as an icebreaker. Also like pulling a rabbit out of a hat, pulling stuff out of the sides of the couch is added for special entertainment.

One of my favorite ear rings….one of a pair went missing. I was a little sad, it was a gift and I dint want it lost. Thankfully that was easy to find as I heard it rattle inside the dryer.

After a week of pulling up an empty wrist involuntarily to check the time, the last hunt was for my wrist watch. And I finally did find it in the fridge inside a cup of yogurt as I cleaned that out. Someone has been pretty thorough to tell u in mild terms. And the frozen yogurtized watch had stopped for obvious reasons. So I put it to rest in peace. That’s also why I have stopped buying anything expensive.

Amma advised me ‘U always have to have the bottom up approach…search at ground zero and move upwards. He is small, so search at his level first’ ….And this approach was working fine enough till someone got into a complete monkey business. Somebody has been climbing a lot and that’s not making the wild goose chase any easier.

Today’s was the kicker….My laptop was missing… :O!!…I could imagine a phone, trinkets, watches walking away in tiny hands….but a laptop..Oh hell NOO! Clearly flustered and wanting to get out of home on time, clearly panicked, I searched all over….under the couch, under every piece of furniture…It was a scene from CSI.. The crime scene had to be thoroughly searched and we had a SWAT team in place employing force and tact to the investigation…me, Appa and the nanny…while Abhi sat innocently watching the chaos and licking his sippy cup. Appa clearly wanting to pacify me suggests “why don’t u go to work and we will take care of this for u”…”Appa..thats my office laptop that is missing :O!” I squealed!!! We scrambled and squeezed ourselves into all corners ‘mission impossible style’ to locate it…Abhi was completely unfazed and getting his Santa Baby toy to squeal “I am a Santa Baby..wish u a merry christmas” in the end of March. And as we are combing down the apartment with military precision, a diaper situation called in for some breaks and re-strategizing. I put Abhi down and roll my hand into the Huggies box …to find it warm!! Warm….?!?..why warm!?.. I found the laptop slid sideways into the Huggies box warming up the diapers. With a little boy at home, I don’t have to search for adventure outside!!!

Aeeeeiooooo !!!!

Right after college with a lot of time to spare, I found myself getting a membership to British Council…The pretext and intent was to browse for grad school info, SOP tips, resume tips and also have some step-out-of-home time.. I would come down there every day, hang in till around lunch and then get back home….Not completely sure of what my purpose was but to kill time…That’s where I met M……M brought her 5 yr old son Vinay every day and studied while he got busy with his books. A cute little child with a wink and a naughty smile ....his little eyes spoke for themselves, he was a handful. As adorable as I found him, I now understand why M was so exasperated. Being a mom is always different. Vinu’s company was the most welcome distraction for me and M was always more than relieved to see me. So it worked both ways. My British Council visits increased for no technical reason whatsoever. I just enjoyed being there. It was a bubble to escape into, distract me from what’s ahead in my own life and my own little confusions….

A month of these library trysts later, Vinay and I are busy picking the next story book to read...when suddenly Vinay says “I love you”…My jaw drops and I am looking at the cutest being ever that has said that to me …and he smiled and continued with his books....so matter of fact like nothing just happened :)!! Guys..i tell u…even these tiny ones have no idea of how they let ur heart flutter :)…M’s parents came to Chennai to help her out in the next few months, her British council visits stopped…and I lost interest in going to the library myself…

It’s been several years …I email M once in a while and she has managed to set herself on a great career……and Vinu has forgotten me and moved on to the real things in life …And I miss those times….those library visits.. :D!....But isn’t that life !!

The last couple of weeks have been pensive, thoughtful and difficult for several reasons…The one person I can call anytime and bother has also been busy with his studies….and I have busied myself with sketching…..to escape into a bubble again…

Then on Monday, my nanny called in sick and I had a super active toddler with a cold, lots of work to finish and not the best of spirits to handle. One at a time …one at a time …I tell myself as I finish work, chase him down for each meal, put him to sleep, reply to emails, finish the action items….and I felt overwhelmed…

Towards late evening he was tired, I was tired …All the skype calls for the day were over…We settle in quietly and talking tom gives us company…One thing leads to another and Abhi and I are on a giggle train…I am hugging him, swinging him, kissing him ..and I said “I love uuuuu”…and we chase each other around the couch for the next 5 minutes. Then suddenly Abhi is looking at me with his sweet few toothed grin and says…”Aeeeeiooooo”…It was the most beautiful moment….Most endearing…

My lil son just told me his first “I love you”…i think :) ..Dear dear crazy world, I am ready for you again!!

Baby steps into the unknown…

After a year I decided to clean up…dust the cobwebs, wipe the wall clean and scribble again…What a year it has been …:)!!!...

I was staying at one of the nicest cities around, B & me working in the same firm and could sometimes go home from office for a nice lunch faster than we could get to restaurants. Wonderful set of friends and SD was home sweet home… Life was peaceful and the sailing was smooth and we decided to change it :D!!..Toss in a B school, a baby, moving to a much colder city, much smaller place and to ice it all up, look for another job ….and some salt to taste....and this went from a warm soup to a cold sandwich. We are definitely out of the comfort zone…And hoping that it teaches us something important to carry forward…

A friend once told me a couple of years back…’I would never do three changes simultaneously…a new city, new job and new man in your life’….Months later, I did it and …here I am doing it for the second time around…new city, a new job search, a brand new little man in my life…

It’s been an interesting phase ..There is just so much happening that I constantly feel am running to catch up. So many changes that there is no frame of reference…I feel challenged and overwhelmed.. There’s B’s 3 lil words that come to rescue…nah…not those…but ‘Keep the faith’…and those of’course……I am taking baby steps into the unknown and so is my son…And truth be told, he is handling it far better than I am :)

Motherhood is teaching me so many things, some new and some things about myself. Life has changed….My little boy is teaching me persistence and resilience..He keeps trying everything non stop…Hes so fascinated by the world around him that I am giving the old polythene bag that keeps giggling at some second thoughts… Its teaching me to remove myself from the picture..As finicky as I could get about how things should be set around the home, my lil boy is in charge now…So my espresso coordinated room took a drastic dive to all colors with my boy’s wet stamp of approval all around!! B & I break each other’s records in time to change a diaper (And Yes, Of course I have the lead). Folks yet to be parents – this is info us rookies weren’t privy to …diapering needs to get done in single digit seconds..esp when ur boy learns to roll over, ur disaster radius just spread multi fold. And if u don’t like wet and dirty…u have a big problem..buy/rent a home that can be hosed down! Of course, with an indoor laundry……Moving from in-door laundry to a building laundry is a huge change esp if u have a baby…I am squandering and scavenging quarters all the time… And my handbag hasn’t jiggled away so loudly for a long time..But after the endless cleaning up after, his innocent smile is more than a reward. And lastly I have become one of those women who cant stop talking about ‘him’.

I am auditing some courses and get to school and can’t tell u how apart these two worlds are. Do u remember the last time u looked at a colony of ants and wondered why they keep bumping into each other and they move around business like….B School is like that. There is so much of an urgency to meet and know as many people within the shortest time frame that it almost looks robotic..Time is premium and there is a whole lot to accomplish…. There is no room for waiting… That’s a familiar world and I used to live like that…Of course I didn’t attend B school, but aren’t we all geared up to believe that we can plan every minute of our day and accomplish what we wanted if we just put our minds to it. As I get back home, the other world reminds me of the truth that no matter how much u try, u also need to learn to wait …wait patiently for things to turn around. I wait patiently for my son to willingly open his mouth for the next spoonful as rushing doesn’t work and being on a timetable doesn’t work. I walk him up and down till he falls asleep on my shoulder. And that is so true of life that, you can persevere, but you need a lot of patience to pull through the real tests in life, a lot of years for dreams to fulfill, a lot of years for prayers to get answered, a lot of years for true love to win….Life’s first lesson is patience and there is no timetable and my little son is teaching me that :).

This new phase is also giving me time to reflect on several things…on myself, my relationships, my strengths and my weaknesses…While I am trying to figure my present and future all together, I have decided that writing probably would help me fit the puzzle together.

10 min of Spam Face

My morning coffee time ritual of deleting spam messages got me thinking into what kind of person I would be if I were my spam face.

First off, I will save thousands and no one will know. Someone will help me do that.
I will get 70% off discounts on several stuff which I would never want.
Someone wants to mail me free trial weight loss capsules.
Dozen emails need my attention or my urgent answer.
Several others tell me I have made a payment or to check on an invoice status or my payment was rejected.
Some prod me to go get an online degree in minutes
Some get me gender confused.
Some tell me all my worries are over …

Some obviously think I love watches.

I am this insecure person who sends myself emails..
And I have 90% discount on ordering Acai berry supplements.

Spam Face obviously has a dozen people in her/his (?!?) life to help her solve all worries, get killer deal discounts and degrees with least effort. And also has financial issues with payments getting rejected and unauthorized payments being made.

I am happy I get to be spam face only for the few minutes I spend deleting her emails.

De-Clutter....aka Domestic Dieting !!

The last month has been a roller coaster by itself...my first promotion, thinking of paati, having lots of visitors, signing up for a 3K walk and trying to get others hooked to it, accepting the fact that B’s iphone shall become an official member of the family ...and we were too occupied in it all that we forgot that our lease expired. After paying an unneccessary extra month-to-month fee, we finally signed the lease again….Mostly due to the nightmarish feel a move would give us. That tied with the amount of stuff we've managed to accumulate over the last 2 years...

Rewind to March 2007.., we moved into this place 4 months after our wedding. It was a nice apartment..Nothing ultra-cool about it, but was a welcome change with so many windows after my last apartment. I like the fact that my patio gives me the "interesting" view of the parking lot which i prefer a lot more than a view into my neighbor’s kitchen. Also the number of windows and loads of light made me discover that i am a very photosensitive being whose cheer index is deeply wound to the amount of sunshine around. Thank God for this city!!...The fact that i have an obstruction less view of the moon from my room lent a special touch. And in the process of making this place our home, our favorite abode to return to after long trips, after tiring days at work...we ended up buying so much of stuff...

My earliest and undoubtedly easiest way to remove clutter was to stuff them all up in the cupboard and slam the door tight and shut...The avalanche that gets out when an unsuspecting victim (mostly my mother) opens the door is another story..

Since then, I have grown and matured..I have resorted to distributing my junk around into shelves, over the door hangers, beds and ottomans with storage; under the bed boxes...I obsess on furniture with extra storage. I seem to use every bit of them. We picked up this tall armoire from Ikea which seemed to be my dream to get all our clutter hidden in one location, safe and secure and from every one's sight. One slight miscalculation i made was to compare IKEA ceilings to my apartments’. After a pretty loud “aan-haan..I now get it” to a weary B who explained to me how the longest diagonal of this newly purchased cuboid was taller than our ceiling and hence even though the armoire as such was shorter, we cudnt assemble it down and lift it up..We assembled it vertically telling ourselves that we would never do this again..ever!!. But our weekend of weightlifting has so far paid back its price in full.

I am not exactly a conventional shopaholic…its just cool gizmo’s and spacesavers/organizers I seem to have an addiction for. The oxymoron that it may seem, the net result of it is that my home is cluttered with space savers that encourage u to buy more junk with the excuse that they shall still be easily organized and retrievable on the rainy day when I want to find a need for them.

But after one nailbiting experience searching for an important document, I resolved to change... having realized that the clutter in my room has direct correlation to the clutter in my mind. Hence the project Domestic dieting….

What followed on our path of self realization were numerous donations made to GoodWill. After a whirlwind of donations, the guy there started giving us this smile of familiarity that said "See u tomorrow"...

The next was the motto Go green, Go Electronic, and Go Minimalist…

And as is with real dieting, domestic dieting doesn’t work….atleast by itself.

We adopted a minimalist regime to see if our "accumalation tendencies" can be curbed. We cut short the 5 varieties of cereal we have to 2 (I couldnt get myself to eat the wheat bran stuff B does even if it means I would be much healthier)...cut down 5 pickle, 3 sauce combinations to one. We avoided stocking the 4 brands of tea we dont drink. I tried doing my grocery shopping on weekdays after work, so I would be too tired to overbuy. I am also going electronic on everything - winding up with the innumerable CDs I have that I have stopped playing thanks to the ipod era. We have a bunch of tech books in computer science which we plan to dump on B's poor sis for her only fault of having graduated with a degree in comp science. I resolved to get myself a new t-shirt only if throw two out. Net result, my colleague thinks I don’t have clothes now :( !!

This attempt to donate, sell and pawn off the stuff I have, has taught me that I am never going to be a minimalist. I still love cool gizmos…..I still like to mix things up a bit starting from cereals to placemats. So the next time I decide to move, I just plan to move to a place with a garage and lots of storage and I will stuff all my odds and ends there out of everyone’s sight…Childhood ways are hard to change.

Embracing Change.....

Resistance to change ...Starting from studying it in Newtons law to seeing it in everyday life, I have realized I dont respond well to change ...In things big and small...
I like holding on to my old jeans even if the hems are completely frayed, I dont like too many remixes to the original, I get very uncomfortable if someone adapts a classical song to a western tune, I like to find my stuff in the same place, I experiment with food within certain defined confines, repainting my room is a serious decision to take, I tend to notice and get concerned about small changes in the way people talk, I have always clinged onto anything dear till the point i had no choice but to let go. I even feel sad about throwing my first laptop which hardly boots up and shuts down every 5 min.

Recently i have been forced into a small change i dint so much desire...switching to Office 2007...For some vague reason, we had a mandatory switch to 2007. I lost my old templates, I was searching for options all the time, they have these disappearing panels, and making some changes on a graph seem more work. All of a sudden I am this rookie longing for that straightforward drop down options and trying to figure out a way to cope with this change. It was like having this cool gizmo which you can’t use. The appearance looks better...But won’t i understand the option "filter" without having to look at the funnel? My first panic call happened when what i usually take 15 min to complete was taking me an hour as I was playing this hide and seek with the different options. I called the IT folks who manage this stuff and asked "Is there any way to switch back to the older version?" and the reply was "No, it was a mandatory change"....

It was forced change..I couldn’t undo it. And I was suddenly able to empathize with the old mom's and dads who would wonder what was happening when the Digital TV switch happens and their old analog TV set screen blurs because they didn’t buy some box. I feel the same way about Office 2007.

I was reminded of my dad’s experience. He very much resisted getting absorbed into this Internet dominated world and the compulsion to keep up with this change swept through his life just 2 years before his retirement. And when he first started trying to get the hang of it all, he used to come and very seriously check with me "Would the email have reached by now" 2 days after sending it... :)

This small change also made me think about how I have dealt with change all the while. I like things where they are in most cases. It’s like a relationship of trust has been established. And if things change, it’s work to build it all over again. I like the constancy of the life and love. And though change by itself may be good or bad, it brings with itself a huge uncertainty, expectation and fear. Change however is a constant companion and I am constantly trying to establish my reference.

Change has been good several times too. Moving to a new city, getting married to someone I enjoyed being with, cutting my hair really short and trying to look at the mirror without laughing, wearing a real bright red sweater for the first time in more than 10 years and realizing it wasn’t that bad on me at all, trying to wear shorts and daring to walk past my door in it and also bringing myself to actually start writing stuff about myself in public domain.

Change is what drives us forward, helps us understand ourselves better and makes us stronger…Some are the changes that open up possibilities that excite us, some are the heartbreaking moments which we struggle with, some are the results of the conscious choices we have made and some have just swept us off our feet when we weren’t watching.

I am sure, a couple of weeks from now, my discomfort with this new version of Office would be gone…And something new will step in to challenge my sense of inertia.

“The future has a way of arriving unannounced.” – George Will