One step at a time....

A year ago I wrote about how me and my little son started our baby steps and our wobbly walking…2011 has seen us climbing ….all over the place…I squeal to him every time he challenges himself to jump up multiple steps, in fear of him tripping or tumbling down..”One step..don’t u jump…one step at a time..” And I have been telling myself the same thing all through this year. Sometimes we all are impatient and try to jump multiple steps with the hope that the destination is closer… There are times when having a plan or looking a little ahead doesn’t seem to work as well as being in the moment and let every moment pass by one at a time…

2011 started for me in mid-air in a flight with the flight attendant announcing the break of the new year. I was travelling alone with my 9 month old to India feeling incredibly nervous and anxious about the journey. Why so? Ask any mom boarding a flight with a baby that’s figured out the wonders of mobility. Strapping them down is like trying to hold a mouse in your hand. Sleeping, watching movies, reading books or spacing out in thought was no longer an option…A wink of sleep if at all was honestly a blessing.

My single fellow passenger who took the adjacent seat was absolutely delighted with the extra leg room till he realized he had no chance of overhead bin space around the family seating area. He calmed himself down and gave the babies, toddlers, kids all a stern look while they smiled back at him sweetly…extra sweetly as if to say “Stare all u want buddy, just u wait!”..I watched the myriad of emotions on his face as his happiness over the extra leg room faded when a glorified cardboard box in a frill frock – a bassinet was stuck in front of him and he looked eye to eye with a very naughty baby. Abhi politely even offered to share his pacifier to help! My fellow passenger moved through the 5 stages of grief over his 10 hour plight to be surrounded by 3 babies in his row…denial, anger, negotiation, depression and finally calm acceptance as if in knowledge of the cycle of karma that led to this day, this moment…He smiled back towards the end of the journey and introduced himself, had a small chat, double checked his next boarding pass to make sure he was not again in the family seating area, waved abhi a buh-byee and left. May his peace stay with him!

As for me, I desperately tried to put a tired, cranky baby to sleep amid all the star wars lighting. When overwhelmed, I told myself one hour at a time…When he refused to sleep and I walked down the aisle sleep deprived myself, catching the stuff/toys/pacifiers that went flying around. The good side was that in that process I had made enough friends by the end of the flight, and there were more people staring at me out of sympathy than irritation. As I arrived at the airport …Amma jokingly commented “Unna naalu per adichu potta madhiri irukku” translated as “It looks like 4 people bashed you up”…”It was one person Amma, one little person” I replied gladly offloading the precious bundle to the much thrilled grandparents. One hour at a time and the day long journey was survived.

From there on, it’s been an interesting year…and has led me to believe that what you do on the new year day does indeed set the tone for the whole year :)

I found a new job in a city I least expected to be in…and sooner than I thought. Cross country hopping with a one year old to a new city without B around was overwhelming in its own way... Should I take it up, could I manage, how will I do this…after numerous questions, none of which were completely answered ….a commit point was reached. It was just a leap …no.. a bungee jump of faith. Settling into a new city was a tough …There are moments when I sank down and thought if I bit off a lot more than I could possibly chew. Moving and settling in has a lot of detail management involved and my brain seemed to have shrunk. Re-discovering the world from your child’s eyes and appreciating the little things around you and experiencing one of the most unconditional of relationships developing makes it one of the most gratifying experiences. Yet sleep training, handling a picky eater, toddler moods and fussiness …brought a new experience every day. Some blissfully whizzed past in poetry and some days felt like banging against a brick wall. It was hard to predict much less plan what the next day would offer. And hence every day was spent one day at a time.

Abhi seemed to have fallen in love with every bug in town. The fact that I could understand more and more of the tongue twisting medical lingo that my doc bro was throwing at me was disturbing. Dealing with weeklong toddlers sickness, praying for every cold, cursing every virus…and celebrating the end of every sickness with quiet calm relief, baby chatter and a side of maggi. Through moments of feeling very lonely to feeling more hopeful as normalcy returned…., every week was survived…one week at a time.

The last year has been a lesson in patience…Not saying I am way more patient now than before…but that’s just a reflection of how good a student I am than of the lesson itself. Patience is to hold on and persist in efforts when it’s hardest to do so. Its waiting the longest and hardest you can for something and then deciding to wait longer...Like the donkey in Shrek…I found myself repeatedly asking “Are we there yet?”

Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith. - Adel Bestavros

December was a promised month…A 3 week vacation from school was a huge huge bonus compared to the 1.5 day long cross country trips every month. I was peacefully occupied in the kitchen trying to make something fit for the moment and Abhi and B are chattering away with no clue of what the other person is talking about….nothing fancy, nothing fantastic to do..and yet there was a quiet contentment and happiness and the urge to make time stop right there. December was like the slide in the playground..after a yearlong climb up the stairs, now we could whoosh down without holding, relaxing and glad to let go of everything……So in the promise of December, midst the numerous vent outs, tears, hang-in-there’s, baby-sickness-blues….the months flew…one month at a time.

Not to say that this was just a tough year… But it has been a beautiful year in seeing my lil boy grow up…. This year has taught me patience while it’s not all figured out, taught me to hold onto what I care about when I just feel like giving up and to be present in the moment. It has taught me mental acceptance of everything that’s different from what I hoped for it to be. It’s given me some new dear friends…and made me treasure moments with my family. Happy moments zip past; it’s the tougher ones that teach you something.

So 2011 has passed on one hour, one day, one week and one month at a time…Now I am sure of one thing……No more new years on a plane!

Happy New Year everyone! May this New Year bring love, laughter and the company of wonderful people to share it with!